Ugh, Tuesday started off crazy.  Returns to B&H, stop at the pharmacist, pick up repaired iPod at Tech Serve, stop at PCP for a script, head uptown to the Upper Breast Side (yes, I said upper breast side, I’m sure your brain is compiling a database of jokes at this point)) to pick up the new breast pump, get a spot at near NYU Medical Center, and somehow it’s already 3:30.

Stressed out trying to get there early,  we realized this wasn’t going to happen, but finally we arrived to see our Remy at NYU-NICU Sleep Away Camp. It was a short visit, between feeding the meter every two hours, trying to handle loose ends, and visit with Remy we were only there from 3:30 to 8:00.  No more muni-meter,  we’ll just do the garage from here on in.

You get a case of the guilties for even thinking about and doing personal stuff, with your baby girl in the NICU, but things still need to get done, and Mary is still 5 weeks from a full recovery. We are still newbies to this lifestyle and have over 80 days to go at the ICU.  We already had so much stuff piling up before Remy arrived.  Logically, we just have to make the time to get things done and figure out a way to do it, or it will only compile and stress us out later down the road.  Despite dealing with our personal stuff and tending to some business, this was the greatest day yet!

Remy had been taken off the ventilator and now breathing on her own!   This was a breath of fresh air (pun intended).   She was now getting air through her nose as opposed to the oxygen down her throat.  The air was just to help her keep a rhythm.  It’s sort of like training wheels on your first bicycle.   She was breathing on her own, and we were glowing!  It’s funny, you never think these are the benchmarks you will look forward to.   In Remy’s case again these are the things that make us so happy as preemie parents.  It’s  great to see her on her belly, because you know that she is so much more comfortable.   If I could trade places with her, I would do it in a hot second.

Today was a rewarding day!

It’s Monday and we are ready to go home!   Well, sorta.  It was another busy day as usual.   Today was just gathering everything together.  There was tons of paperwork to fill out.   Birth certificate, discharge papers, insurance, surveys.  Trying to cut a deal to rent the newest breast pump that had to be shipped out (no, I never thought I would be doing this).  Hospital reps stopping in and out, social workers and therapists wanting to make sure we are okay and talk to us about what to expect.

We were able to make some short visits in and out of the NICU during the day.  Mary still not in great shape at all, but significantly better.   Mixed feelings now set in hard.  Of course we want to get home and sleep in our bed.  We wanted to be away from beeping monitors all night and just be with family, but the fact that Remy wasn’t with us, was just plain difficult.  We were going home without our little girl.

My parents came by to pick us up, and we made a couple of trips down to the car with our multiple bags for our NYU Hospital Tour.  We timed it so that we could visit Remy before we left.  Both new grandparents were able to get a quick visit as well and it’s comforting just to watch their reactions.  So now we were about to become commuting visitors to our little Remy at the NYU Tisch NICU sleep away camp.  We’ve only been parents for 5 days and its just tough not to be walking distance from her all of the sudden.  It is what it is, and you have to just succumb to that and accept it.  There really is no other alternative.

We got home and Mama Taylor and Cheryl who had been staying at our apartment all week had the place looking immaculate.  Everything was cleaned and scrubbed and even the cabinets were reorganized.  My mother in law made her trademark lasagna for all of us, we had a great family dinner!  Jake, our lazy old cat, was happy and purring and as always, waiting for dinner scraps.  Its nice to be home, but we cannot wait to rise and shine to start getting used to our new daily routine, with Remy!

87 days is the estimated time until we can take our baby home.  One day at a time, or we’ll go crazy!

Anyone who knows the Zappulla’s, knows we don’t travel light, and this holds true even in the hospital.  Between the 40 lb. bag of magazines people brought, the baby gifts, the candy and snacks we received, the clothes, slippers, laptop, camera, the cases of bottled water and so on, we had quite a pile.  If there were a bellhop he would have earned a nice tip from us.

On Saturday morning we were off to a new room on the 8^th floor in the Labor & Delivery Ward.   The new room was compact so our stuff cluttered it up quickly, and once again I made Mary laugh when I tried to organize to the point where I hung our snack bag from a hanger in the closet to save space.

We were actually back in the exact room that Mary was brought to prior to her surgical procedure, at a time when she and I were both scared and 500 miles apart.   Her pain was still pretty intense, but her vitals were good.  Her platelets and white and red blood cell counts were back into the safe zone, so that is what was needed to get out of ICU.  Though it was very emotional for her to go through what she did, and end up back in this same room.

On the other hand being on the eighth floor was great because I was so close to the NICU. By now Mary was able to make two more trips up with me and she was able to do the fun things that I was getting to do with Remy.

At one point on Saturday, three of my oldest and closest friend’s Mark, Chris & Tommy stopped by on their way up to Tremblant in Canada, for what I’m sure was about to be an epic ski trip.   I was trying to make the trip with them between jobs,  before Remy decided she doesn’t want me to go until she is ready to go with me.

What happened when they got here was pretty funny!  They stopped in for a few minutes after already coming the previous days and dropped off some nipple cream and cleansing supplies for Mary’s new breast pumping routine.  Mark explained to me and Mary, what to do with them.  Three grown men off for a man’s trip in the woods, non-shaven, dropping off breast pumping supplies that our close friends Maria and Courtney (their better halves) had sent along.  The ladies had been coaching  my morphine filled wife the couple of days before on what she was about to be getting into, and they wanted to make sure these things got to her.   Sorry gentlemen, if that’s too much information for you, but is was too funny not to share.

Saturday night came and with almost no notice we were rushed up to Pregnancy Postpartum on 13.  There was no time to even grab our stuff really, and I kept asking the nurse to leave my bags while I was packing them.  Yet I had to keep taking them back in the room to fill them, as she was taking them out of the room.  I was getting a bit annoyed, since it wasn’t like there was someone waiting to get in yet.  But I kept my cool and just let it go.

The next room was very clean and we were able to have a room of our own (normally mothers are paired up with their newborns).  It would have been tough for both Mary and I to be in a room with a new family that had a baby with them in the room.

This was the only early evening we were alone.  While it was amazing and so helpful having everyone surrounding us and tending to us the entire week, it was nice to finally sit down and to absolute peace and quiet.  The room was nice and I did my typical move in organization ritual.   We did not even think about TV all week with our flat screens in each room.  This time it was an old 9 inch 4:3 with a  movable arm, and we ordered food and with a guilty conscience, watched the Oscars for a bit.

Later that evening while Mary was fast asleep I went down to hang out with Remy.  I’ve gotten into a routine with her.  I sing her Beatles songs, like Rocky Raccoon, I’m So Tired.  Don’t ask me why.  They just sound soothing and they just came to me, and I can’t think of any children’s songs. I don’t think she is quite ready for Jimi, Sex Pistols, or the White Stripes just yet, but maybe some Stones or some Bowie later in the week.  Not that I can sing at all,  but Remy doesn’t know that quite yet, I hope!

I usually cup her soft little head with one hand and then I touch her feet or her hand with my finger.  She immediately curls her toes around my finger and pushes with her leg.  I give her gentle push back.  She seems to love it!  We get into this rhythm.  She is so active, and responds well to touch, I’m blown away!  The nurses all joke about how she is a wild one.  I know that this is a sign of what is to come and that Daddy is going to have his hands full with Remy.  But I will take it, gladly!

This was the moment we had been waiting for.  Mary was loopy from the pain killers and had been immobile for a few days. She had moments of excruciating pain, tears, followed by joy.  Despite the ups and downs of recovering, meeting Remy was all she had on her mind.

It was our second day in ICU and just about 48 hours from Remy’s birth when she actually was able to see her daughter. Earlier in the day we went for a walk with the nurse around half of the ICU floor.  Mary used a walker and had  ton of monitors  IV’s and a battery pack attached to her.  It was quite an ordeal.  What normally would ave been a 30 second walk, was a 20 minute walk.

Our nurse let us know that she was cleared to meet Remy.  Eventually a wheelchair was sent up and we were able to escort Mary and her assortment of machines down to the NICU.  While Mary was excited she was equally scared.  Remember, she’s on extremely high doses of morphine and had lost a lot of blood in the last 48 hours.  She was afraid of infecting Remy.  Mary was also in so much pain, that slightest move would cause spasms and screeches and she was even worried about startling Remy.

Once we arrived the nurses all smiled and welcomed her.   The doctor on duty was gazing at her from afar.   I pushed her chair and held her power pack that monitored her vitals, while the nurse was rolling her IV stand.  Once we came around the corner and helped Mary wash her hands, it was love at first sight!  We wheeled her in as a close as possible and she was able to barely reach in with one hand touch Remy, and while sobbing told her how much she loved her.  As a husband and now a father, through all of this process I naturally go into a protective mode and try to be the rock for Mary.   This is my family and my only priority at this moment is them. Once I locked eyes with Mary my eyes were raining tear drops on the top of the incubator from above where I was standing.  So much for the rock.  Regardless, it was an amazing moment!

These are the moments that are difficult to describe.   I find it best to just say that  a moment such as this is one in which you just have a roller coaster of emotions and you can’t help but feel them to the fullest, and  whatever involuntary reactions your body has, smiles, tears,  laughs, whatever, they all just explode at once!

The 48 hours from Thursday through Saturday morning were basically one long day.  Mary was suffering pretty badly, despite the morphine, her red and white blood cell counts were very low.  Her platelets were extremely low, and her liver enzyme levels were still high but going down.  With HELLP Syndrome most patients will experience extremely excessive high blood pressure levels.   Mary was one of very few that did not.  She was what the doctors called a “mystery patient”.  Every doctor, and nurse that came in from either NYU or Downtown Women OBGYN kept telling us that Mary was extremely sick.  The thing was there were no apparent warning signs until right before she came in, and even then it was not apparent right away what she was suffering from.  She was very slow to recover, and she was experiencing excruciating pain in her stomach and back for days and could not release any gas from her body which just made everything ten times more painful.

There was something to laugh about at least.  Groups of doctors, nurses and interns  would come in and ask, “Did you fart yet?”  You really need to pass gas for the pain to start reducing at all.  Our friends and family were always gathered around when they would come in.  If someone did fart,  they certainly couldn’t blame it on Mary, because it just wasn’t happening.  They would check Marys stomach,  just like I tap on a sheet rock wall, to find a stud.  Only they were checking to see if her stomach got softer (which it never did).  Anyway, this would go on for several days before anything was dispersed, and the pain for her was really unbearable!

Remy was still, and will remain under constant observation in the NICU for several months.  Three phototherapy lights, were being used  to prevent the Jaundice, she had already developed, from spreading.  There was one underneath her, and two above her.  The lights made her look purple and the entire cube glows,  reminiscent of those teenage years when I thought black lights in my bedroom with glowing posters on the wall were cool (c’mon, I’m not the only one and you know it). She had to wear a Bili Mask around her head to protect her eyes and brain from the lights, with an additional cover over her eyes, just like in a tanning bed.  The ventilator kept her breathing day and night.  She would fight the ventilator and breath way too fast, especially when she was touched and stimulated, so not only was it helping her breathe, but also helping to regulate her breathing and create a rhythm.

It’s so hard to see your little baby’s lip pushed up against a plastic tube.   She had two tubes for nourishment running into her umbilical cord.   Her right arm was braced with a piece of foam to keep her from ripping out the PICC, which her antibiotics would go through. Her feet were always covered with gauze or band-aids, because of the constant pricking of blood.   Surely, she was uncomfortable but it was all for the sake of her well-being.  There were pads on her chest to monitor her heart rate and breathing, which she would grab and tug at times.  Everything is connected to monitors that will set off warning beeps, should any of her vitals peak or drop to levels that were not where we wanted them to be.  Sometimes the monitors showed question marks and that would scare me.

She seemed to be okay overall.  Once you can come to terms with the fact that she has to have these things done, in order to stay healthy and become stronger, it’s not that difficult to watch.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s still my little girl, and I cannot wait for her to be functioning independently, but unique situations such as this one require unique perspectives (which really just seems normal to me now).  I don’t know that everyday will be a good one. I’ve been told that some days may be three steps back before progress is made in Remy’s development and her getting better.  Although, that same thing can be related to everyday life,  why should I expect it would be different here,  right?

The NICU is unique from any other part of the hospital I ever been to. The nurses and doctors are like mothers themselves to every child in there.  Some are stern at times to protect order and protocol; which is monumentally important.  Others are always nurturing and soft-spoken all of the time. They are All empathic and understanding. My favorite times to visit are at 9:00am and 9:00pm, when the new shifts would start and all of the doctors, nurses, and interns stand around Remy and discuss her progress. The staff is astoundingly connected to their career and have a knack for helping parents feel as comfortable as possible.

Early Thursday morning (Later that evening):

4:30 am: After several visits back and forth from the 15^th floor ICU to the 9^th floor NICU it was time to go to sleep on my pull out recliner next to Mary.   I was still in shock about the events that happened; it seemed completely surreal.

4:56 am:  Mary is in severe pain, and the doctors are checking in on her.   This would be the start of my day and the routine I would get used to for the rest of the week.

Rounds in the ICU were frequent.  Just when I thought I could get 5 minutes of rest the doctors, nurses, interns, specialist, social workers, good Samaritans, and so on were rolling in.  I was actually in awe of how much attention Mary was given by the staff 24 /7.  I still couldn’t believe how sick she actually was.

My mother-in-law, was northbound from Virginia arriving at Penn at 7:00 am.  My father-in-law and sister-in-law would be arriving at LGA from North Carolina. My mom and dad were on their way from Florida, and would be at NYU at about noon with my sister Dawn.   Our close friend Cheryl arrived at LGA from Denver, at about 9:30 am.  It was comforting to know all of our dear family and friends rushed to be here.

For the next four days NYU Tisch would become our home.  I have to say the accommodations really are not so bad, but don’t ask Mary about the food!  Friends and family would show up at all times from the morning until -7 pm. It was great for me, because Mary had company while I would get to visit with Remy, check on her progress, and connect with her.   One of our closest friends John transported family back and forth,  ran errands, brought meals, and pretty much took care of our family.  Everything got done. I mean things like feeding the cat,  driving relatives, bringing food,  bringing clothes.  Things just got done!  We also got a ton of amazing emails, and texts, messages,  and people were reaching out sharing stories similar to ours.

It’s a testament to human nature, and we both know how lucky we are to be surrounded by such great people.  We are extremely grateful for it.  This made our stay at NYU Tisch that much better.  To all of you that were thinking of us, close up and afar, directly or indirectly, it means the world to all of us!

We could adapt to this everyday, if we had to.  My recliner pulled out to a bed.   It was an easy trek from Mary to Remy.   Friends and family brought meals, snacks, clothes, magazines and anything else that we needed.  The staff was amazed by the amount of stuff we had on the window sills.  I couldn’t help but take time to organize, every few hours which always gave Mary and the nurses a good laugh.  I couldn’t help it.  Besides being there physically and mentally for Mary and Remy, it was really the only contribution I could make to sustain order.  Everything else was out of my hands.